Mini Pony Showdown

Back off, Thumbelina.

Einstein is born.

April 22, 2010

Weighing just around 6 lbs., this peanut pony is the smallest one of all. Welcome to the world, young foal. We are so happy to have you!

Well, most of us. When I broke the news to Thumbelina she wet her pants, cried and said she had no comment. She still hasn't left her pink and purple rhinestone pony castle, and apparently she destroyed her beloved "World's Smallest Cute Baby Pony" tiara. Oh well.

Long live Einstein!

Gymnasts

Gymnasts are small things.

I like gymnasts. They can do lots of gnarly stuff because they're small. Just look at my roster of runty BFFs and I swear you'll like them, too.

Meet Rubin; 114 pounds of mighty will.

(R.I.P.)

Fist pumping in a deep lunge is Sara's forte.

Raquelle: bitchy

Poor Ken has to duct tape his breasts before every routine.

Janet is now behind bars.

Despite her struggle with diarrhea, Betsy triumphs.

(FYI: You can great deals on gymnasts for summer.)

Mario pulled his crotch but stayed strong.

Minnie is Coach Karl's fave and a virgin for life.

Tanya never stops chasing that ball with her junk.

Paul didn't know it then, but his life was spiraling out of control.

I love all gymnasts. You do amazing things. Keep up the fantastic work.

Shrinky Dinks

THEY. STILL. EXIST.

For decades, people all over the world have opened their ovens to shrink some dink. But today, Shrinky Dinks are different. They're smart. They're sharp. They don't take shit from nobody. It seems that, like cheese, they've gotten more badass with time. Case in point: the "Ruff N' Ready" Shrinky Dinks above.

But that's not all. See more of the latest Shrinky Dinks to hit the market:

"Shrinky Dinks Shoot-up in the Bodega Gotta Go Move! Move! Move!" Set

"Detachable Head and Torso 'Just In Case' Shrinky Dinks" Key Chain Set

"10 Hot Hoes of the Sea and 'Lil Water Pets Shrinky Dinks" Set

"Years and Years of Nightmares Shrinky Dinks" Deluxe Set

See what I mean? If you didn't already, now you know.

Just be careful the next time you shrink a little dink.

Puppy Surprise

Puppy Surprise

Reaching inside,

your velcro womb,

in my heart I felt

alive.

Tearing them out

with tiny hands,

first three, then four

then five.

Holy shit,

I got them all.

(The most a kid

could get.)

For future thrill,

I put them back

inside my

pregnant pet.

Thanks, Puppy Surprise. I wish my mom never threw you out.

Baby Barbie

Congrats! There's a teeny weeny Barbie inside of you!

My, my. Finally, after all those years of skanking with nothing to show for it, there's a yellow-headed dumpling baby on the way. And it fits so nicely in your plastic void!

Motherhood is totes gonna be a blast!

But life's no party, Barb, and raising a baby ain't easy. I bet the thought didn't even cross your mind when Ken's toy dong penetrated your MATTEL® babymaker. Anyways, all judgment aside, I would like to give you support and encouragement as you enter this exciting phase of life. So, here are some words of wisdom. Hope they help.

1. Breast milk is way cooler than regs milk.
2. Eat lots of glitter while pregnant, so your baby will sparkle.
3. You will like giving birth; it is another great opportunity to not wear panties.
4. Think REALLY hard while you're in labor because it makes your baby smarter.
5. If you do not like the baby you get, remember you can always send it back.
6. Do not devour your baby after delivery. Wait a while.

Enjoy raising your lil' one and God Bless! Send my love to Ken!

Meditations on Fun Size

I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. FUN WITH CANDY, OKAY? WHAT? WHY? BECAUSE A LITTLE FUN NEVER HURT ANYONE. THAT'S WHY, CROTCH. 

Anywho, clearly the people who invented candy feel that "small" = "fun". Well, it's probs more fun to ingest 12 pieces of Fun Size candy rather than consuming one dumb bar. But if you do that, you're most likely a slovenly fool. And probs not "fun" at all. So, yeah.

Kinder "Happy" Hippos

Let's turn our attention to Kinder Happy Hippos. 

So friggin' adorable, right?

WRONG. Dead wrong. You see, there's nothing "Happy" or even "Kind" about Kinder Happy Hippos. Nothing at all. Here's why...

We've all seen them before, keeping it real at the corner deli, sitting pretty in layers of sweet crumbs and sprinkles. They stare at you, wide-eyed, from inside their cocoon of packaging. And you stare back because they're cute. And little. 

But what do you really see in Kinder Happy Hippos? Look again. Do you see it? Do you? Can you read their faces? Well, here's what I see: I see lil' brows suspiciously arched. I see crusty nostrils flared in rage. I see chocolate pupils dilated in sheer panic.  It not only makes me shiver, it makes me wonder. What have they done? Where is the body? 

I will never know the answer to those questions. But what do know is this: I will never support such shady, sick liars with my hard-earned 99 cents.  I will never fuel the fire inside them. Ever.