Meditations on Fun Size

I JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN. FUN WITH CANDY, OKAY? WHAT? WHY? BECAUSE A LITTLE FUN NEVER HURT ANYONE. THAT'S WHY, CROTCH. 

Anywho, clearly the people who invented candy feel that "small" = "fun". Well, it's probs more fun to ingest 12 pieces of Fun Size candy rather than consuming one dumb bar. But if you do that, you're most likely a slovenly fool. And probs not "fun" at all. So, yeah.

Kinder "Happy" Hippos

Let's turn our attention to Kinder Happy Hippos. 

So friggin' adorable, right?

WRONG. Dead wrong. You see, there's nothing "Happy" or even "Kind" about Kinder Happy Hippos. Nothing at all. Here's why...

We've all seen them before, keeping it real at the corner deli, sitting pretty in layers of sweet crumbs and sprinkles. They stare at you, wide-eyed, from inside their cocoon of packaging. And you stare back because they're cute. And little. 

But what do you really see in Kinder Happy Hippos? Look again. Do you see it? Do you? Can you read their faces? Well, here's what I see: I see lil' brows suspiciously arched. I see crusty nostrils flared in rage. I see chocolate pupils dilated in sheer panic.  It not only makes me shiver, it makes me wonder. What have they done? Where is the body? 

I will never know the answer to those questions. But what do know is this: I will never support such shady, sick liars with my hard-earned 99 cents.  I will never fuel the fire inside them. Ever.

Thumbelina

Meet the world's freakiest lil' pony.

Her name is Thumbelina. She's adored by chicks and weirdos all over the globe. She sends pony-loving children into hysterics. But despite her small stature, she's a mighty force; Thumbs makes a tremendous contribution to the universe and beyond.

Just look at her pics!

(Forgive me if I am posting these without permission. I don't mean it!)

(Napping/crying.)

(With her bio-mom.)

(The smaller of the two.)

(She was really farty that day.)

(The horse is not the dog.)

Sophia Petrillo

Flowing Prose for Sophia

Fluffy head.

Yellow phone.

Call me up

When you alone.

So full of 'tude.
A Girl of Gold.
A cardigan.
You might get cold.

Bless your soul,
Granny Smith.
I want to know
who you hang with.

I can not lie
and I'm not playing.
I know you're gone,
but I'm just saying.

Booties!

Pirates ye be warned.

Arrrrr!

Itty Bitty Dinos

Nothing says oxymoron like mini dinosaurs. Whose splendid idea was it to shrink ancient giants into toys so small you could swallow them whole? I don't know you, but I think I like you. More than just a friend.

For those of you who enjoy mini plastic dinos too, peep these prehistoric party animals. As if bite-size plastic dinosaurs couldn't be farther from the real thing, these guys are decked-out in blacklight-ready colors. See them? They're ready to rage! And I don't know about you, but I like that in a little dinosaur.

You see, I like a dino with a wild streak. A fun-loving stegosaurus who I can also chill with. A triceratops who jams out, yet also appreciates lots of down-time. A low-key pterodactyl who always keeps it real. But hey, let's face it - all itty bitty dinos are great. (Cool oxymoron!)

Dinosaur miniatures like these prove that, contrary to popular belief, the species is not entirely extinct. In fact, today they thrive in the reject-crap-toy aisle at Duane Reades and Rite Aids all across our wonderful nation. You can easily find these petite bad-asses and make them your own. Then you can tote them around in your smallest pockets! Imagine that. Carrying a dinosaur in your pocket? I guess this day in age anything is possible. Anything at all. At. All.

David the Gnome

Look around you.
There are many things to see,
that some would say could never be.

These things I know.
They're true and I will tell you so.
They are there to see, if you believe.

Trolls and wizards and fairy kings.
Birds that talk and fish that sing.
And if your heart is true,
then you will find them, too.

In every wish and dream and happy home,
you will find the kingdom of The Gnomes.

In 1987 I met the man of my dreams. A 399-year-old, 6-inch small gnome who rocked my world and my blew my mind. David was his name, and if you're a child of the 80's, you better damn well know who I'm talking about. 

David starred as himself in the lead role of the animated hit series, The World of David the Gnome on Nickelodeon. The show followed David, a skilled doctor by trade, and his wife Lisa (ugh) on tons of gnarly adventures. Our homeboy lived a blissful life with frumpy Lisa and their two kids, Harold and Lily. Home base was in the stump of a tree.

The show's premise is simple, yet wholly entertaining. Relying on his besty, a super-fast fox named Swift, David rescued countless gnomes, trolls and forest creatures who suffered from injuries and ailments often caused by man. David's sexy altruism, heroic healing powers and keen eye for adventure made The World of David the Gnome spell-binding and irresistible. But all good things must come to an end and sadly, Nickelodeon stopped airing the show around 1995. A-HOLES.

So here's to David the Gnome. The one who got away. On the back of a cracked-out fox. Ride on, my precious tiny-man. Surely I'll see you next lifetime.

Baby Corn

Ooh baby baby!

It's little. It's yellow. But WTF is it really? Come on, you know you've probably spent at least 90 solid minutes of your life asking yourself this very question. That's a lot of time. So let's explore baby corn together, shall we? Maybe we'll find some answers. 

There's a lot to learn about this freaky-deaky lil' veggie. Where does it come from? Who decided we should eat it? Why does it make us think? Well, as it turns out, baby corn isn't really a veggie after all. You see, baby corn  is actually a cereal grain (!?) harvested from under-developed corn plants. It's hand-picked and hand-husked from immature corn, 1-2 days after corn undergoes silking (a step in the maturation process I dare presume). 

Mini corn hails from places like Thailand and Taiwan. You can chow it raw, but its physical and culinary properties remain virtually unchanged when cooked. That means you can eat baby corn a whole bunch of different ways and still get the same holla-back taste and nutrients! And while a normal-sized corn cob is considered too rough for human consumption, these smaller wonder-corns are wholly edible; you can slam them right to your dome with abandon!

So rest your mind. It's just an awkward, runty mini-corn cereal grain. Nothing more, nothing less. Accept it, enjoy it and move on. You've got a life to live.

Art, Micro-style

While I have tremendous respect for artists like Claes Oldenberg and Ron Muek who make art on a massive scale, I'd like to praise the tiny masterpieces of Willard Wigan. His sculptures are so mini they can fit into the head of a sewing needle, or sit atop a small diamond. And his subjects range from Michaelangelo's David, to the Obamas, to that colorful cast of weirdos in The Wizard of Oz. 

How does he do it? Aside from his unwavering patience and steady hands, Wigan uses a freakin' microscope. I kid you not. During an interview on NPR, Wigan recalled a time when he accidentally inhaled a part of his sculpture; it was really that small.

Yeah, so micro-sculpting isn't easy. In fact, I can't even fathom the challenge. But Willard Wigan does it, and he does it really well. Willard, if I could shake your hand, I would probably try to hug you instead. Take that, Ronnie and Claes! 

Peep Wigan's art.

Yellow Brick Road

Marilyn Monroe 

Chariot at Dusk

David

Elvis

Chilean Safari

If you haven't been in a Chilean forest, you don't know this planet. 

- Pablo Neruda

Oh Pabs! You couldn't be more right. Because nestled deep within Chile's Valdivian Coastal Range lie some of the most biologically diverse flora and fauna. And evidently, the fauna are mini. Read: There is an enchanted land of small animals in Chile. Clearly, I NEED TO GO there. But alas I can not, so I've made a virtual safari of tiny Chilean creatures for us to enjoy. 

Let's begin our safari.

Oh look! Wow, it's s a kodkod, one of the world's smallest pussycats. This one looks mad, but these tiny joys aren't bitchy by nature. They just come off that way, you know?

Oooh. What do we have here? This is the world's smallest deer, the pudu. She's a baby one. What I wouldn't do to smuggle this furry cupcake right outta Chile. Maybe one day. High hopes.

Christ almighty! Say hi to a size XS monkey called the monito del monte. This squishy beast could probs fit in my pocket. I could put him in there and run like hell. Cool!

Now, let's take a moment to view the Chilean Firebush that surround us as we pioneer the wild. These majestic shrubs may grow 10-20 meters tall. Nice!

Shh... It looks like we've stumbled upon a rare vicuña. A vicuña is like a mini alpaca and they're known as the "badasses of the Chilean countryside". These small heartthrobs hang out with other vicuñas and eat grass and copulate all day long. 

And this marks the end of our safari. So long!

My Little Ponies

Sure, I'm partial to a good horse race from time to time. The hats, the juleps, the horsies, all lovely indeed. But you know what I like the most?

Those crazy horse names!

Here are a few cool Shetlands I know and, while they haven't (yet) won me any trophies,  they happen to have prize-winning crazy horse names. Meet my little ponies.

Tender Thunder 

A mini pony. A mighty will.

Tell Me No Lies, Just Dance

Sheer, unstoppable rhythm.

Raging Slumber

Not to be confused with Shhh, Don't Tell My Friends.