Fecal Matters

Disclaimer:  This post is about poo.I apologize if you are offended in any way. Well, not really.

There are so many kinds of poop, but small poop is the cutest. 

Needless to say, when asked about small doody my shit ton of readers had loads to share. 

"My wife and I love poop if it's small."


- Simon, Santa Fe, NM

"When I delivered a ginger, I wasn't sure what to do. Well, here he is holding some poo he found. Hope you like this."

- Margery, Norwalk, CT

"I thought getting a bunny would resolve some of my relationship problems. But I was wrong. All the bunny did was shit, and Mike still won't look at me."


- Lindsay, Baltimore, MD 

"Before the hike, I fed Darnell some apricots. He couldn't stop eating them, so when we reached the summit he was pooping all over. He's doing it here. You can totally see it in his eyes."


- Justine, Melbourne, Australia

"My dog, Goblin, eats tons of stuff. Last time he took a dump I found my missing hackey sack. The grey parts used to be white."


- Tobin, Port Townsend, WA

"Here in Japan we turn poopie into little candies and stuff. It is OK to eat shit here. LOL."


- Kiko, Tokyo, Japan

"I did this to make my step-daughter laugh. She did not find it funny, so I blamed it on her bio-dad. He's a real bastard, anyways."


- Ralph, Mexico, NY

The Mini Rice Cake

PART I

Apparently, people take the size of rice cakes very seriously.

Here's a real-life scenario overheard at my office:

Person A: 
I'm hungry.

Person B:
"Would you like a rice cake?"

Person A [emphatically]: 
"Oh hells no."

Person B [waving rice cake bag]:
"You sure?"

Person A [with renewed enthusiasm]:
"Oh, they're mini rice cakes?"

Person B:

"Yup. You want one now?"

Person A [with stern conviction]: 

"Yes, please."


PART II
(the better part)

I got this priceless image result when I googled "person eating mini rice cake".

Meet Chef Sex Pot (pictured here with some pans). His real name is Carlos Fernandez. Apparently he is (or was) a chef in Fort Lauderdale, FL. Oh, and he was a contestant on Top Chef 2 (who knew?). But where is his rice cake???????????? I don't know.

For more information on this picture-perfect "shy-guy" chef, check out his blog. It'll really make you feel smarter.


And consider the size of your rice cakes, please.

Bushwick Bill

haiku

small, dark and handsome,

he creeps, he peeps through one eye

as he takes the stage

Born on December 8th, 1966 in Kingston Jamaica, Richard Stephen Shaw, "Bushwick Bill", is one of the most famous dwarfs of our day. He is 3'8" tall and chock-full of hood. In 1986 Bushwick Bill, Willie D and Scarface formed the rap group Geto Boys (originally spelled Ghetto Boys) in Houston Texas, and to this day they still create Southern hip hop, horrorcore and gangsta rap. Bushwick Bill named himself after the New York City borough where he once lived.

picture gallery

Bushwick Bill's first solo album titled Little Big Man was released on September 8th, 1992, almost one year after he lost his eye in a lovers' quarrel. The album's hit single "Ever So Clear" details the incident, in which he was shot in the face after drinking Everclear and threatening his live-in girlfriend.

Wikipedia credits Bushwick Bill for coining the term "Popeye's chicken is the shiznit." The statement was so profound that Adam Sandler featured it in his film, Little Nicky.

Little known fact: Bushwick Bill had a thing for the Child's Play movies. Some friends call him "Chuckwick". He even has a song named after the movie on the Geto Boys album Uncut Dope.

According to Bushwick Bill's MySpace page he is now a Born-again Christian, and on March 25th, 2010 he released a Christian rap album called My Testimony of Redemption. It could either suck, or be quite awesome. You decide.

Love you, Bushwick Bill.

Making Art With Shitty Candy

Exploring the lives and works of weirdos.

Tiny disclaimer: The following information is not true. Names are fake, titles are made up, and I truly respect the jelly bean art below.

Minnie, I Envy Your Life

by Lucinda B. Mitchell

Artist's Statement

Sometimes when I'm alone, and my cats won't even look at me because I've outgrown my sweat suit, I say "You know what? You guys can go to hell. I'm going to channel my feelings into something beautiful." So once when that happened, I decided to make an homage to Minnie Mouse. Well, 26 hours (and lots of Jenny Craig meals later), here she is in a portrait made of little jelly beans. She's remarkable.

Visions of Flying Hawk/A White Man Made This

by Dennis K. Philips

Artist's Statement

Yesterday I was thinking about my Heritage, all the raping of them indians and stuff that my ancestors did and I says to myself Dennis, it's time you gave back and apologize for the behaviors or your people because they indians was probably nice people even though they didn't wear no pants and then I thought there's no better way to say I'm sorry Brown Man than with all them pretty jelly beans so I done made me a candy indian and I think I did it darn good because White people do things real good.

My Mona

by Richard Cloth

Artist's Statement

I will start by saying I have not had intercourse in 24 years. I do, however, have an iguana named Carl who always makes me laugh. Thank God for him. Here is a reproduction of the 16th century oil painting of Mona Lisa (also known as La Gioconda or La Joconde) by Leonardo da Vinci. She was originally painted on a poplar panel but I do things a little differently. What you see here is an assortment of jelly beans affixed to an economy-size box of hemorrhoid cream. She really shines in this medium. As for my next project, I anticipate much fun will be had. I am making a life-size adaptation of Michaelangelo's David from the waist down, made of corn.

THE END.

Munchy Gives Birth!

Congratulations to Munchy, who recently delivered five beautiful pups.

This is Munchy and her litter of Jack Russells (fresh from her special place). Welcome to the world little ones!

And here's Munchy taking a nap while her little pups suckle her little doggie boobs. Awww!

Wishing you all the best as a new mom, Munchy. We're all so proud of you.

Found: Mini Ugg

Oh yeah.

I found it on the streets. It's a single, mini Ugg. Cute, yet deeply disturbing. And according to the Law of Finders Keepers, it's mine now.

I shall make it into a keychain.

Polly Pocket

"It's better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it."

- A wise man

Just like a Swiss Army knife on a camping trip, or a mini Kleenex pack during flu season, Polly Pocket has you ready for anything. She waits patiently in your pocket for the moment you realize you need a small toy. The moment you must play with something. And thanks to her, you'll always be prepared.

Life comes at you fast; you and your BFFAE are fighting.

Thank god you came prepared with your Arctic Pets Polly Pocket,

complete with four penguins, three huskies and a totally "chill" Polly.

(WAY cooler than a real friend.)

Shit. Your prize-winning guinea pig just died.

Good thing you brought your Italian Holiday Polly Pocket.

What would you do without it?

What the F would you do?

Today is the pits and damn, you could reeeeally use a toy.

Phew! You were smart and brought your Polly Pocket Baby Friends just in case. Thank GOD.

Be prepared. Always.

The end.

The Dinkiest President

He's small. He's petite. He's James Madison.

At 5 feet 4 inches and just under 100 pounds, President James Madison was the smallest American president of all time. A politician, a philosopher, a Founding Father and a Commander in Chief... Was there anything our pint-sized 4th president couldn't do? Oh yes there was.

President Madison wasn't built to outweigh a fat manchild.

He certainly couldn't change a lightbulb like Marcus here can.

He wouldn't be able to help these ladies reach that silly hanger.

He probably could not shoot hoops with Hector and Dave (though there's a chance).

It's doubtful he could drive a whip.

But despite his diminutive size, James Madison stayed on top. He took one for the American team. Way to go.

Mini Pony Showdown

Back off, Thumbelina.

Einstein is born.

April 22, 2010

Weighing just around 6 lbs., this peanut pony is the smallest one of all. Welcome to the world, young foal. We are so happy to have you!

Well, most of us. When I broke the news to Thumbelina she wet her pants, cried and said she had no comment. She still hasn't left her pink and purple rhinestone pony castle, and apparently she destroyed her beloved "World's Smallest Cute Baby Pony" tiara. Oh well.

Long live Einstein!

Gymnasts

Gymnasts are small things.

I like gymnasts. They can do lots of gnarly stuff because they're small. Just look at my roster of runty BFFs and I swear you'll like them, too.

Meet Rubin; 114 pounds of mighty will.

(R.I.P.)

Fist pumping in a deep lunge is Sara's forte.

Raquelle: bitchy

Poor Ken has to duct tape his breasts before every routine.

Janet is now behind bars.

Despite her struggle with diarrhea, Betsy triumphs.

(FYI: You can great deals on gymnasts for summer.)

Mario pulled his crotch but stayed strong.

Minnie is Coach Karl's fave and a virgin for life.

Tanya never stops chasing that ball with her junk.

Paul didn't know it then, but his life was spiraling out of control.

I love all gymnasts. You do amazing things. Keep up the fantastic work.

Shrinky Dinks

THEY. STILL. EXIST.

For decades, people all over the world have opened their ovens to shrink some dink. But today, Shrinky Dinks are different. They're smart. They're sharp. They don't take shit from nobody. It seems that, like cheese, they've gotten more badass with time. Case in point: the "Ruff N' Ready" Shrinky Dinks above.

But that's not all. See more of the latest Shrinky Dinks to hit the market:

"Shrinky Dinks Shoot-up in the Bodega Gotta Go Move! Move! Move!" Set

"Detachable Head and Torso 'Just In Case' Shrinky Dinks" Key Chain Set

"10 Hot Hoes of the Sea and 'Lil Water Pets Shrinky Dinks" Set

"Years and Years of Nightmares Shrinky Dinks" Deluxe Set

See what I mean? If you didn't already, now you know.

Just be careful the next time you shrink a little dink.